Second last day for school. So I survived after all. Ok, I admit I've been quite paranoid these days...I guess, stress bares you out. And once again, pride causes a downfall. Pride has always been something I struggle alot with...among my other faults.
Why the heck did I do that? In a moment of stress? It's a minor thing, arguing with someone about whether a high-end resort should have an arcade...but the way she reacted back completely insulted me. Maybe it's just like what Cartan said, a phase whereby friends get intolerant with one another. Maybe it's just that I can't click with them. But honestly, if you want to avoid me in the morning, at least do so more cleverly or something. I always find out what you're trying to do and though I may keep an expressionless face, that doesn't mean I don't feel a damn thing.
I'm just...suddenly, I realise I'm sort of breaking. Breaking my composure. The things and words that just slipped out of my mouth, why did I say that? Why did I act that way? Was it necessary?
What's wrong with me?
At least after Tuesday, I have plenty of time to get in touch with myself. I don't have to face backstabbing and gossiping and total immaturity. And having my cheerfulness returned with a snap and a black face. And when I say I am broke, I mean it. Pride got into me once again, I can't afford $6 meal puh-lease. Not at my current state. So I've been in the libraries often where at least there's quietness from all that trash.
Such blindness.
I can't say I'm glad to have my grandma home from Indonesia. In fact, when my mum said that to me today I was like...oh. And suddenly, I realise...she still exists. She's not some far away distant figure but...she exists, she's only been gone for around 2 months. A simple fact but it jolted me back to earth. She still exists and she's back. Among most of the people I've been with, my grandma is the hardest to get along. I'm completely ticked by her, by her words, by her actions, by her behaviours...all the things I can't stand in a person, she does them. What the hell?! Maybe this is a humourous thing from God to teach me patience and love. I don't know, but all my life I tried to understand her and I'm still failing very badly. Some times I do want to talk to her, about God, about being a Christian...like how she doesn't want to step out of her comfort zone to go for bible study, or how she changed church because she heard some person in church doesn't like her. I want to talk to her, but then...I stumbled a lot talking in Chinese. Chinese Christian jargons...never knew them. Sad to say, my chinese is deproving, perhaps so is my english. And of course, bahasa Indonesia and french. Damn it.
It's like a nightmare where I suddenly lost the ability to do what I do best. Where I suddenly could no longer dance as well...things like that. The things that I pride myself in; languages, studies, maturity, being level-headed...
Again, back to pride. What is this entry trying to tell me? Maybe one reason why I'm attracted to the business world is because of the professionalism. You don't have to show yourself intimately or vulnerably. You just got to be professional and well-mannered with good etiquettes. Nothing personal.
Then again, it could simply be influence by my dad.
Ok. I need my golden slumber. Please pray my stomach doesn't die on me.
